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Mitch Hedberg Quotes

Found 69 quotes by Mitch Hedberg .
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Mitch Hedberg
"I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide..."
Mitch Hedberg
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Mitch Hedberg
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"So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that's funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn't funny."
Mitch Hedberg
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Mitch Hedberg
"I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying..."
Mitch Hedberg
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Mitch Hedberg
"I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming."
Mitch Hedberg
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Mitch Hedberg
"Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!"
Mitch Hedberg
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Mitch Hedberg
"My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?"
Mitch Hedberg
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Mitch Hedberg
"Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience."
Mitch Hedberg
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Mitch Hedberg
"It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?"
Mitch Hedberg
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Mitch Hedberg
"If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up."
Mitch Hedberg
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Mitch Hedberg
"I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later."
Mitch Hedberg
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Mitch Hedberg
"Dogs are forever in the push up postion."
Mitch Hedberg
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Mitch Hedberg
"I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that."
Mitch Hedberg
American Comedian Quotes
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Mitch Hedberg
"All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me."
Mitch Hedberg
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Mitch Hedberg
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"Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?"
Mitch Hedberg
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Mitch Hedberg
"You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something."
Mitch Hedberg
American Comedian Quotes
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Mitch Hedberg
"Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'"
Mitch Hedberg
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Mitch Hedberg
"I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle."
Mitch Hedberg
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Mitch Hedberg
"I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy."
Mitch Hedberg
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Mitch Hedberg
"I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it."
Mitch Hedberg
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Mitch Hedberg
"I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late."
Mitch Hedberg
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Mitch Hedberg
"Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1000 of something is too many. I'll have 1000 pieces of noodles."
Mitch Hedberg
American Comedian Quotes
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