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Jack Handey Quotes

Found 29 quotes by Jack Handey .
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Jack Handey
"The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car---I forget what kind it was---and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called 'Dad.' We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you."
Jack Handey
Family
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Jack Handey
"I wonder if the polite thing to do is always the right thing to do. When I met the family from Japan, they all bowed. I pretended like I was going to bow, but then I just kept going and flipped over on my back. I did this five times. I think they got the point."
Jack Handey
Family
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Jack Handey
"I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway. - Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live)"
Jack Handey
Funny Love
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Jack Handey
"A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bit by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going for help, then go about ten feet and pretend YOU got bit by a snake. Then start an argument about who's going to get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke."
Jack Handey
Friendship
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Jack Handey
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"Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake. That's called Houdini. Love is liking someone a lot. - Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live)"
Jack Handey
Cute Editor's Pick Funny Love Quote of the Day
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Jack Handey
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. NOW who's asking the questions? - Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live)"
Jack Handey
Funny Love
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Jack Handey
"If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is probably a joke that gets old real fast."
Jack Handey
Funny Quote of the Day
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Jack Handey
"Instead of building newer and larger weapons of mass destruction, I think mankind should try to get more use out of the ones we have."
Jack Handey
War
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Jack Handey
"I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex."
Jack Handey
Children
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Jack Handey
"Like jewels in a crown, the precious stones glittered in the queen's round metal hat."
Jack Handey
Religious
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Jack Handey
"To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other."
Jack Handey
Sports
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Jack Handey
"A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bit by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going for help, then go about ten feet and pretend YOU got bit by a snake. Then start an argument about who's going to get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke. - (Deep Thoughts) Saturday Night Live"
Jack Handey
Funny
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Jack Handey
"If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadores came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, 'I swallowed it. So sue me."
Jack Handey
Funny
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Jack Handey
"The other day I got out my can-opener and was opening a can of worms when I thought, What am I doing?!"
Jack Handey
Problems
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Jack Handey
"The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lay down on some seaweed and roll around in it until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go hey, I'm Vine Man."
Jack Handey
Quote of the Day Wisdom
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Jack Handey
"Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides."
Jack Handey
Patriotic
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Jack Handey
"If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way"
Jack Handey
Cool
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Jack Handey
"If you ever have to steal money from your kid, and later on he discovers it's gone, I think a good thing to do is to blame it on Santa Claus."
Jack Handey
Money
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Jack Handey
"I hope that after I die, people will say of me: 'That guy sure owed me a lot of money."
Jack Handey
Money
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Jack Handey
"I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out west and start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd say, 'Looking for gold, ya durn fool.' He'd say, 'Your pick is gold.' And I'd say, 'well, that was easy.' Good joke, huh?"
Jack Handey
Money
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Jack Handey
"I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, yahoo!, I'd have all my money back."
Jack Handey
Money
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