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Dave Barry Quotes

Found 101 quotes by Dave Barry .
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"What Women Want: To be loved, to be listened to, to be desired, to be respected, to be needed, to be trusted, and sometimes, just to be held. What Men Want: Tickets for the world series." Dave Barry

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"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night" Dave Barry

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"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." Dave Barry

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"UNIVAC: a device, which contained 20,000 vacuum tubes, occupied 1,500 square feet and weighed 40 tons; there was also a laptop version weighing 27 tons." Dave Barry

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"The Internet browser... is the piece of software that puts a message on your computer screen informing you that the Internet is currently busy and you should try again later." Dave Barry

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"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base." Dave Barry

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"In the past decade or so, the women's magazines have taken to running home-handyperson articles suggesting that women can learn to fix things just as well as men. These articles are apparently based on the ludicrous assumption that _men_ know how to fix things, when in fact all they know how to do is _look_ at things in a certain squinty-eyed manner, which they learned in Wood Shop; eventually, when enough things in the home are broken, they take a job requiring them to transfer to another home." Dave Barry

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"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear." Dave Barry

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"I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me." Dave Barry

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"And, of course, you have the commercials where savvy businesspeople Get Ahead by using their MacIntosh computers to create the ultimate American business product: a really sharp-looking report." Dave Barry

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"Democracy: In which you say what you like and do what you're told." Dave Barry

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"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base." Dave Barry

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"And computers are getting smarter all the time: scientists tell us that soon they will be able to talk to us. (By they I mean computers: I doubt scientists will ever be able to talk to us.)" Dave Barry

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"For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball." Dave Barry

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"Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world." Dave Barry

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"User, n. The word computer professionals use when they mean idiot." Dave Barry

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"Software is usually accompanied by DOCUMENTATION in the form of big fat scary MANUALS that nobody ever reads. In fact, for the past five years most of the manuals shipped with software products have actually been copies of Stephen King's THE STAND with new covers pasted on." Dave Barry

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"There are two distinctive classes of people today, those who have personal computers, and those who have several thousand extra dollars apiece." Dave Barry

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"'Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm'." Dave Barry

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"If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word." Dave Barry

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"Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting." Dave Barry

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